A line from Code Blue 2.

"Wounds of the heart are undoubtably necessary. That's because, bearing wounds in our hearts, we can become aware of other people's pain."

made me stop and think.

You.

You are more than enough for me.

not just Your blessing, Your love, Your embrace, Your presence, Your anointing, Your call.

You. and You alone.

where I am weak, there Your strength can manifest perfectly.

You are more than enough for me, and everything I have been searching for.

I Will Wait For You - Janette

So it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me.

So I took matters into my own hands… and... ended up with him

Him who displayed the characteristics of a cheater, a liar, an abuser, & a thief

So.. why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?

I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting - cause it was ME who let him in…

Claiming we were “just friends”..

It was already decided for me by the first date, that even if he wasn’t - I was gonna make him ‘The One’..

You know… I was tired of being alone,

And I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time so I decided to drag him along for the ride,

Cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride.

A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat, who was tired of the wait!

So I was gonna make him ‘The One’.

He had a form of godliness but, not much..?

But hey, hey I can change him! So I’ll take him, I mean he’s close - enough...?

Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of it's use to me.

Arties so clogged with MY will, it blocked HIS Will from flowing through me.

So, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack,

That flatlined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back

Through my ignorance He sawed,

Through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chest

TO transplant Psalm 51:10

A new heart, & a renewed right spirit within!

So now I fully understand,

Better yet I thoroughly comprehend,

How much I need to WAIT… for You.

See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t You from the beginning..

Cause in the beginning was the Word

And he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,

And all he could whisper was sweet, empty, nothings –

Which meant NOTHING!

He couldn’t even pray when I needed him to

Asking him to fast would be absurd!

So forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word.

But I know You. ♥

You are already praying for me

Even never having met me

Let me assure You, I will wait for You.

I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of You

To appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention

And short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.

You know…. He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?

His first name LUKE,

His last name WARM.

I, I won’t settle for false companionship

I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms,

Attempting to find some closeness,

But never feeling so far apart cause, "I just wanna be held."

Cause ♫”all I gotta do is Say” - "No!"

NO more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’

Passing winks & buying drinks,

And "I’ma, I’ma, I’ma flirt! ♫"

Who flirts with the ideology of,

"Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?"

No more...

I’ll stay in my bed… alone. And write poems, about how I will wait for You

He won’t even come close,

Our fingers won’t even interlock

We won’t even exchange breath

Cause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped you to open.

I will no longer get weighted down,

From so-called friends & family talks,

About the concern for my biological clock

When I serve the Author of Time.

Who is NOT subject to time,

But I’M subject to Him,

He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…

So if we could role play,

You would be Abraham & I would be Sara

Or you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayer

I am - bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh,

Made up of your rib Adam!

And once we meet, like electrons

I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom.

We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.

We were all created in His image,

But you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son.

If I were to explain what you looked like,

You would have to look like a star,

A son of the Son..

I would gain energy simply from the light on me.

I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis

I await your revelation, but once again from the Genesis, I will wait for you ♥

And I will know you… because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,

Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,

Your faith will remind me of Abraham,

Your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,

Your inspiration will remind me of Paul,

Your heart for God will remind me of David,

Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,

Your integrity will remind me of Joseph,

And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples,

But your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks,

Cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me,

Where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth.

Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary,

Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.

I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… Waiting for you.

But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth

Only if you should see fit…

I desire Your will above mine,

So even if You call me to a life of singlehood-ness,

My heart is content with You – the One who was sent.

You are the greatest love story ever told,

The greatest love ever known

You are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witness

And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business

I will always be Yours!

And I will always wait for You Lord, more than the watchmen wait for the morning.

More than the watchmen wait for the morning… I. WILL. WAIT. ♥

--------------------------------------------

saw the vid two days ago and still blown away. like a homing missile from Daddy God straight smack into the heart.

totally makes me tear every time, such a beautiful spirit, surrendered.

Through the eyes of Daddy God.

I
She walks in beauty—like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to the tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

II
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face—
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

III
And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow
But tell of days in goodness spent
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

- She Walks In Beauty by Lord Byron

Mia Fieldes Interview

came across this tonight, very blessed by it.

http://womeninworshipnetwork.com/2010/03/mia-fieldes-from-hillsong-chats-to-wiwn/

actually i'm just saving the link here for myself. haha

tears.

i knew last night that i'm close to breaking point, but i didn't realize how close though.

there is almost nothing i dislike more than unreasonable people, and being shouted at. how would you like it if i did that to you?

i have too many others things already going on in my life, i really don't need more crap from you.

try walking a day in my shoes.

Savior.

Hi Jesus, I need you now. grace grace Lord, I need You to save me in this situation, to extend to me grace and peace before I go absolutely crazy.

You are mighty to save.

My future is bright. Amen.

love.

“When I find your eyes
where I am and who I’m with
just stops mattering.”

- Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

When I find Your eyes Jesus.

life.

Isaiah 43:1-2
but now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not; for I have redeemed you,
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire,
you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you..."

Isaiah 43:18-19
"Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43:25
"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My sake;
and I will not remember your sins."

letting it all sink it. nothing quite like the Word. i don't exactly understand how and why life springs forth again in my heart when i spend time in the Word, but i just know it does. should really set aside more time for it.

fellowship.

on a separate note. i really love good fellowship. when the people of God gather, share their lives and bare their wounds. no pretense, no false fronts, no superficiality, no judgement. but a gathering of imperfect people before a perfect God.

i find those moments so precious. and these people, even if not really close at first, become close from the common denominator inside them, the same Holy Spirit that guides and molds us all, as we walk through life.

those moments linger long after everyone has split up and gone home. and the Spirit seems to sing with the goodness of what had occurred.

maybe because God had meant for us to enjoy moments such as these. that's why the Spirit radiates with contentment of what had occurred before, in complete agreement.

as iron sharpens iron, so does a man sharpen the countenance of his friend.

Lord, every friendship that You've given, thank You Daddy God that it will be maintained by You.

my strength does not lie in maintaining friendships, i know that well. many times, i have so many things going on, like right now, that i don't even have the time to do what needs to be done in my own life. and can't meet up with people that i miss so very much.

so i'm just gonna trust You Jesus. if it's for You, it will be done by You. may Your favor always be upon me, that their memory of me will always be blessed. may every encounter always be full of Your fragrance, whether the time spent is long or short. always precious, never taken for granted. give me wisdom and understanding, ears that listen, lips that speak forth grace, and a heart that is tender and quieted with Your love, gracious and at rest. knowing that You love me, and have not withheld any good thing from me. a heart with a good opinion of You, and bring that with me in every place i walk into.

i'd like to see the world through Your eyes. the Daddy God-kind of perspective.

learning to breathe.

sometimes, people don't realize how what they say has an effect on others. long after people have gone home, those words can keep ringing.

but i wanna rise above that, rise beyond that.

yes it hurts, sometimes it just feels like, "was that really necessary?"

but i've been guilty of it before too.

maybe i am what you say i am. but i'm not perfect. that's why i need Jesus.

sorry if i don't meet your perfect standards, but then again who does?

that's why i need God. and that's why Jesus went to the cross for me. to meet every benchmark on my behalf, because in and of myself, i would never ever be able to.

i am still a work in progress. what was said may be true Lord, and i don't want to be such a person either. Change me, quicken me, according to Your will, according to Your loving kindness.

one day, Daddy God, let me look back on this and laugh. teach and lead me, love me unto wholeness again. lift me up above the words and opinions of others. i choose to keep the joy and the peace that You have given to me.

You've borne every condemnation on my behalf, i receive Your righteousness, Your love that will never ever fail me.

I am a princess by birth, not by any worth of my own. anything i have and i am, is only by the grace of God. i receive it undeserving. and nothing anyone may say can ever change that.



i choose to let it go into Your hands. and be happy. the abundant life is meant to be enjoyed.

Stuck.

“Am I what you need
when everything falls apart?
Am I glue to You?”

- Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson


it's like a question from God.

sian ttm. always too many things happening. one life, many areas. sometimes i just wish i was a hermit in a cave, away from all the problems, all the issue, all the work.

if only life was made out of fun and rainbows. and it was all simpler. why do things have to be so complicated.

Lord, You make it work out for my good. It's not the end until it glorifies You.

Your love will never ever fail me. let hope rise once more.

my future is bright, Your plans are good, You're still on the throne.



God is good all the time. and all the time God is good.

In Your eyes.

Lord, let it sink in again and again. Convince me and love me afresh, every moment, everyday.

QOTD

saw this on tumblr.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.”

- Washington Irving (via quote-book)



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on a less happy note:

“Silence is a girl’s loudest cry. You can always tell she’s really hurt when she starts ignoring you.”

- (via pretty-bird)

hurhurhur.

sleep deprivation

totally didn't get a wink of sleep last night. i don't even feel like i have the energy to be upset.

in school by 7.30am, and i have class until 5.

feel like skipping out on class and going for a massage. my shoulders hurt.

this is a whining post, i know. after 5 hours of tossing and turning, psalm 23, praying in tongues, journalling and still remaining awake, just for today, i think i'm entitled.

no, i have no idea what's bugging me.

just that my mind is very awake.

i think it bugs me that i don't know what's bugging me.

sensing i'm losing coherence here.

Be starry-eyed

“Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.”

- Paulo Coelho


You are greater than what you are going/ have gone through. Let hope rise. And watch God transform those scars of today into the stars of tomorrow.

hearthfires

"The great love is gone. There are still little loves - friend to friend, brother to sister, student to teacher. Will you deny yourself comfort at the hearthfire of a cottage because you may no longer sit by the fireplace of a palace? Will you deny yourself to those who reach out to you in hopes of warming themselves at your hearthfire?"
— Mercedes Lackey (Magic's Pawn)

one of my favourite quotes from a fiction book ever. been stuck in my head for awhile.